Friendship

What is friendship? Who are our friends?  I wonder about this.  It is the nature of the mind to wonder about things, to doubt, to find beliefs and to form idea structures.  And sometimes friendship also becomes one such idea.  Whenever it is just that, it has a limited life, a specific span.  It arises, grows, is sustained for some time and then perishes.  Within this span, it gives rise to expectations, strives to do favours, tries to impress and is offended when its expectations are not met or its favours go unacknowledged.  This gives rise to the rupture of friendship, a breakage of some element of friendship.  Whatever arises in the mind has to fall, and the common idea of friendship is one such. 

And yet there exists a more exalted friendship that is more stable and does not waver.  Such a lasting friendship is the only friendship that is of true value, and such a friend must be considered dear and valuable.  Such a friendship has its roots beyond the mind, in a space that is intelligent in its considerations, obliging to a common good, transparent in its activity and in its mind, it is obedient to a commitment not to tear the fabric of trust.  Such a friendship is based on a shared regard for the sustaining principles of life.  It shows a genuine respect for social relationships, due regard for wisdom and a respect for age.  That which denies such regard cannot create any relationship of value. 

In the realm of the mind, certain relationships are hard to sustain such as a friendship between two people of different genders, of different degrees of material wealth, of differing degrees of intelligence.  It is most likely that these inequities will eventually sour any relationship and lead to its collapse. This is the reason that in many texts on the elusive concept of Dharma, only a friendship between equals is encouraged and those between unequals is discouraged.  And yet the possibility exists that while a match exists at a higher level, a mismatch at a lower or physical level can be disregarded.  It requires of one to rise to his higher understanding and hold the friendship in a shared respect for that which is in the common and in the higher interest of all who are involved.

Childhood friendships thrive on the common background from which they emerge.  As childhood friends grow older and grow apart they may seldom write to each other.  And yet when they meet, sometimes even after many decades, they immediately hug.   Nothing that has happened in between can come in the way.  The instant connect simply continues from the point at which they had parted.  When childhood friends meet, it is more often that they greet each other in singular, sometimes loudly and often times they may even use swear words which are an indication of a strange and unique bond.  Childhood friendships therefore carry an element of innocence and playfulness, a healthy irreverence towards all that separated them and indeed a bonding that is precious for no sake than for itself. 

In the world of adults, also strange friendships seem to thrive.  Even among bandits, among thieves and even in movies built around a famous heist, friends gather together and plan what is socially considered  a crime.  Throughout the movie the element of mistrust keeps us at the edge of our seats.  Sometimes we see a happy ending and yet at other times, the end is taken over by greed and becomes tragic.  Such a relationship cannot be categorised as friendship; it is only a cohorting of some sort to achieve some limited objective. 

 A true friendship uplifts each one who is involved in it.  This is the litmus test.  It must encourage each to a higher and more cultured way of living and of exchange.  In the presence of such a friend one feels a subtle degree of pressure to rise in one’s manner of thought, word and deed.  And this pressure is not a forceful pressure; it is a movement of consciousness that is consonant with our innermost desire to live an exalted human life.   

There are two things that matter in life – education and culture.  Education enables us to silence our doubts and raise us into the realm of knowledge.  Culture enables us to silence the mind and express through an established intelligence, through as established wisdom.  A combination of education and culture is what true art is.  Art in one stroke can reveal both knowledge as well as impart an elevating experience.  Science is hidden within art as is evident from the manifest world which is a work of art of the creator within which the truths of all physical sciences remain hidden.  Science is the structure while art in its various manifestations, is adept at embedding a structure within an outwardly aesthetic form. 

And friendship in its truest sense transforms a human being into an artist.  And it is only the truly educated and cultured that can exhibit true friendship, a friendship that is of value.  And in the maturing of this culture, a friendship is essentially imbued with a sublime love for the truth that binds them.  And in the halo of this gentle truth, a loss of a friend is a true loss.  Losing such a friend saddens the heart and yet this sadness is not a sadness of sorrow, of personal penury or loss; but a sadness that is essentially human, of a sadness that comes from cherishing the truth.  Similarly a single word from a true friend, a single line after a long while, a single acknowledgement after many years, may release a joy that comes from the shared regard for truth, a shared respect for each other.  Therefore there is some room for emotion within a true friendship and yet it is not subject to the highs and lows of the mental emotional field.  But the emotions of anger and jealousy cannot find any place in true friendship. 

True friendship is marked by an undercurrent of silence, of nobility, of a sublime and steady love, of mutual respect for each other’s strengths and weaknesses, of lack of judgement and of freedom of choice.  The relationship of every husband and wife must be made in this sphere of friendship.  This sphere contains no drama; only opportunities to agree and better each other in an atmosphere of implicit love and trust, freedom and warm regard.  It is only then that a marriage can last, a friendship can last.  It is only then that human relationships become precious.

Some people think that they ought to have friends so that they can help each other in times of need.  A friend in need is a friend indeed.  Still such assistance must come of its own and not as a matter of an expected dividend from every friendship.  Friendship must exist and sustain for its own sake, and as an essential ingredient in the daily stories of life and endeavour.  In a family friendship must slowly replace as the more fundamental aspect than being measured by the actual distance of the relationship, whether by marriage or otherwise.  And when any conflict arises, it must be resolved in this gentle light of friendship, sharing and caring.

It is not just between people that friendship exists.  A friendship exists between man and nature as well.  Indeed man is part of nature and in the light of her friendship with man, mother earth bestows on him every wealth she has.  No matter what we do the earth seems to be endlessly forgiving.  The earth is treating us like a friend.  But are we in turn treating it like a friend?  Are we keeping the trust that she has in us?  If we are to survive as a race, we must reflect and take steps to ensure that our friendship with mother earth, our friendship with nature is honoured.  This must be part of our education, part of our culture.   

Indeed even the relationship between us and our creator is one of friendship.  No matter what we do, the Lord remains patient.  He is ever ready to listen to us and show us the way to go back into His embrace.  He knows we are lost and yet he waits thousands of years for us complete our adventure and turn to him.  Within the Lord’s friendship, we are given full and endless freedom.  And if we are to take even just a single step towards him, he will come ten steps towards us.  Such is the nature of true and exalted friendship.  May the lord who is our source and substratum, give us the education and the culture to honour a true friendship that comes our way.  May we strive to treat our surroundings and the nature that supports our existence with true regard and sincere friendship.  And in the gentle embrace of an exalted friendliness, may we celebrate and flourish in this great privilege of human life and endeavour.